Friday, February 29, 2008

#4 "More Than Words" (Filipinos)

For my own personal amusement, we're going to focus on a specific Asian ethnicity, only cause it's pretty funny. but this is something Filipinos like. But don't worry, in the future, for the purpose of other people's amusement, we'll be doing other specific Asian ethnicities.

We are definitely talking about the song "More Than Words" originally by a band called Extreme. but covered by various artists including the popular BB Mack version.

I can tell this is overly specific, and perhaps "sappy, acoustic love ballads" might suffice. However, the song "More Than Words" is just so distinct we give it it's own post.

We're actually not talking about how many Filipinos looove this song, but there is just as many who hate this song. The importance of this song to Filipino culture is that every Filipino has had some extensive exposure to the it. Whether it was a song between a boyfriend or girlfriend from back in high school, or it's your future wedding song, or you have had friends/brothers/sisters/ who have played this song so much that you'd do nothing but punch a baby in the face upon hearing it again. (thanks Dane Cook).

The point is, whenever a Filipino hears this song, some sort of really positive or negative reaction occurs and flashback to whatever moment or person is briefly experienced by the listener.

So be careful next time you're with a Filipino and you mention or perhaps even play this song for him or her, you will get one of the following reactions:
1)oooo I looove this song.
2)oooo. it's this song. ha . ha . ha (has a flashback)
3)ooooo. I oh man, change it now.

#3 Cognac

This is somewhat well known, but if you ask the number one hard alcohol that Asians prefer, it is Cognac. From the ghetto fabulous Asians, to your sophisticated Asian, if you want to party down, be sure to have your Cognac. Which brands of cognac you ask? Popular Asian preferences include Courvosier, Remy Martin, or a personal favorite of many (if not all) Asians from northern california, Hennessy.

Almost in every party, or club consisting of Asians- you will see constant series of downing group shots, but of course before each shot everyone needs to pose for someone's digital camera so they can post it on their blog or myspace (another future post). If you as a non-Asian would like to feel accepted in these social gatherings, just bring a bottle of any of the above cognacs, men will praise you, women may possibly fondle you a bit depending on how much they have drank, or plan to drink. I'm not saying take advantage of these women, no, Asian women can actually handle their cognac quite well.

And remember, do not call Hennessy, "Hennessy," any Asian knows you've got to call it "the Hen," or "da Hen." And occassionally for Remy Martin, just call it "Remy." By saying these cognacs in their full names disrespects how cool these cognacs actually are. (don't worry about courvosier, it sounds cool anyway).

For example, you'd wanna say, " anyone wanna take a shot of the Hen?" More than likely you will get a pack of at least 5 Asians running towards you with their hands in the air, over excited, and ready to party, as if you just called their winning lottery ticket number. Asians can go through a big bottle of "Hen" pretty fast, so expect it to last nothing but an hour at a party of about 15-30 guests. Sometimes at a party of more than this amount of guests, Asians are notorious for hiding their bottles of Hen or Courvosier in a paper bag wrapped in another plastic bag as to only share it with their closer friends. They too know the consequences if the word of a bottle of cognac were to get out...mobs would start, and in just one round of shots the bottle is gone.

Do not think twice about bringing Vodka, tequila, or rum, unless they're the high class brands such as Patron, Belvedere, or Grey Goose. Asians are quite picky with their alchohol when it is not cognac.

It is also very common for Asians to keep the bottles in a collection in their kitchens or bedrooms of all their Cognac. Asians take as much as pride in their congac drinking, almost as much as Asians an Kareoke. (refer to #2). And behind each bottle most likely is a story of such drunken antics but nothing too crazy... Asians aren't really known for doing things too insane like otherNon-Asians.

And Asians will drink Cognac in no other way except in the form of shots, and the occasional half shot for those who need to slow down a bit, or the Designated Driver as even an Asian DD cannot resist drinking just a little Cognac. And you may also see Asians buying a "fifth" or what I like to call, old man's small bottle, of Cognac and do innocent sipping behind the scenes.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

#2 Kareoke

This is quite obvious and a bit trite, but deserves mention... yes no one loves kareoke nearly as much as Asians do. It is almost required for all Asians to like Kareoke and everything about it. Where are all the Asians on a Saturday night? They're all at your local KTV, singing their hearts out to various popular American songs, and songs popular from whatever Asian ethnicity they're affiliated with. Don't know what KTV stands for? That's Kareoke T.V for all you non-Asians. Just think of bar, add a whole bunch of rooms each with a huge television, leather couch seating, a huge glass table, several microphones, party-clubbing lights such a disco ball, and a binder 10000 pages long full of American songs, Filipino Songs, Chinese Songs, Korean Songs, Japanese Songs, and if your lucky, Indian songs.

There's also the Magic Mic which is pretty much a portable KTV. Imagine if a t.v remote and a microphone had a child, then out would come the Magic Mic, that can directly attach to your T.V with all the songs stored inside of it, but only about 1000-2000 songs. With the coming of the Magic Mic, every Asian party can enjoy the wonders of Kareoke without having a Laser Disc player, seperate microphones, and a stereo system. This is were the infamous American Idol-mic originated from and other forms of.

Asians are the first to appreciate singing songs that don't belong to them and without having to memorize the words. Oddly enough we don't see many Asians on American Idol, even though they do more singing of songs that aren't theirs more than anyone else. It's okay, Asians know they can't really compare to non-Asian singers, but that's the beauty of Asians and their Kareoke. Those who clearly know they cannot sing are still secure with themselves to have a good time, singing in every incorrect key and ruining the greatest songs of our time. You'd think, like all other Non-Asians, they would be drinking or at least influenced by some substance to engage in such an act like Kareoke, but no they don't need any of that all. Asians are more than willing to show off their singing. No one else takes more pride in singing terribly in front of crowd than Asians..they're all just here to have a good time. Like any other sport, you don't have to be excellent at singing to do Kareoke, and Asians embrace this.

So if you happen to be trying to date an Asian person, or have Asian friends you need to entertain for 2-8 hours, just mention "KTV" and they will go nuts. Especially Asians who are somewhat new to this country, you won't even have to speak much English, as every one of them understands KTV. And again you don't even have to be a terrific singer, just be sure you participate, all Asians find those who don't join at Kareoke party poopers (thus, losers). Just like in dancing at clubs, there is no wall flowering allowed without looking stupid, when it comes to Kareoke. Worried that there won't be a song you know available? NO WAY, most KTV's keep up to date with all the popular stuff of today...outside of hard metalcore, or underground hip hop. (a future post)

If Asians could, they would be putting there efficiency in Kareoke on their resumes, such as "Can consistently score 100's on Celine Dion songs, and U2 songs."

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

#1 Bloggers

Whether it be livejournal, blogspot, or of course the famous Asian-oriented Xanga, Asians love to do their blogging. This gives Asians the chance to emotional without having to show it. "I'm emo, but only on the internet." Here Asians get to do some artificial 'self-finding' or 'self-discovery' where it seems that if people can read about what is going inside my head, then maybe the answers will come to me.

Yes Asians love their blogging, it is where they get to talk about anything they want and hope to god someone will respond to it. And most of which when an Asian is blogging, he or she actually has a specific aim to who they want to be reading. Asians tend to be less inclined to be direct with their feelings or opinions, and so it gets brought to attention in a xanga or myspace blog. One may think that this is harmless, and that someone can't really take what is written online so seriously. That is hardly the case for Asians, I've seen friendships die away, relationships disperse, and opinions of one another completely change. Asians seem to take their blogging a lot more seriously than everyone else.

Then there are the really emotional blogs, where Asians are constantly stating how much things suck for them. Writing papers, studying for tests, jealous girlfriends, unaffectionate boyfriends, about not enough people liking them, not enough (good looking) friends. Though one can claim that "this applies to any blogger" then I suppose to be more specific to Asian blogging, then it's this: Asians get extremely let down when they soon discover, after writing such a heartfelt, emotional, well thought out blog, and no comments or responses are left. "What the, no one cares about me? sob sob"

This seems to be the sole purpose of why Asians have a to reveal whatever feelings that they as notoriously shy Asians, have trouble expressing. It is for the aim of receiving some sort of compassion they can't get for themselves in the real world. Or another reason, which is a bit similar to this one, there are certain things Asians are proud of and it's their way showing how non-Asian they 'think' and use words. (that is a future post, proving to everyone they aren't Asian).

I'm evidently including myself in the "slew" of bloggers as I too am too guilty of the act of blogging.
here's proof


Welcome. After reading the hilarious blogs from I figured the guy is probably Non-White, and then reading further probably an Asian American who attends or attended some University of California, Berkeley, UCLA, or SD possibly because ofthe excellence and conciseness of his blogs. (I'm unsure if the blogger is male or female so bare with me). But I thought to myself, why stop there? Aren't Asian Americans just as viable to social satire as white people are? There is no intention to hurt or imply the superiority of non-whites to whites, so neither are we implying the same with this blog. So as the description says for this, don't think this is racist if you think stuffwhitepeoplelike is not racist. It's all in good fun.

Though I of course welcome productive criticism, but so long as they don't consist of:
"We're not all like that."
"We don't all do that."
"I don't do that, so you're wrong."

That is ridiculous. Either your lying to yourself, or you're just an idiot. Of course the things said aren't true for everyone, but they're funny to assume and read about which is all that matters. Again I refer back to the brilliant website stuffwhitepeoplelike, and I notice those who seem to be white do not attest or bash the blogger for his generalized accusations and's a thing to laugh at. Those who can laugh at themselves are always good company for everyone, though it seems in society that most people cannot embrace idea, and when I say most people I mean most non-white people. But I suppose this whole blog is created for the purpose of testing that theory, and with the fact that I believe it is mostly Asian Americans that read blogs consistently in the first place. (a future entry).

Note: I recently found out that the person behind stuffwhitepeoplelike is actually a white person. That just makes it even more awesome.

So anyway, I hope to see you back often.

Ryan Friday